Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, you've heard about it. Especially if you have any veteran family members. It's pretty much what you may already know about it, even with context clues. A traumatic event occurs. One that is difficult or impossible to recover from completely. It is a pretty common diagnosis, but it is not something that everyone has. Upwards of 2 million people are diagnosed with it in a single year, 6 out of every 100 people will have PTSD at some point in their lives.
So, what is experiencing PTSD like? I can't answer for everyone who's been diagnosed, I can't even answer for myself 100% since as I go through life I learn more and I see more. What I can answer this with is what I have experienced so far.
I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was young. Very young. For some of my newer readers, I will spare you my entire life story (read other posts, it could help.) In summary, my biological father was a horrible father. At a very young age, I learned what rape, drugs, and sex were. I was exposed to things no child should ever have to face. While other kids were fighting monsters under their beds, I was fighting a real-life monster under my bed (it's funny because I am also being literal, we had a bunk bed that we shared.)
Having autism and ADHD I am already SUPER FUCKING SENSITIVE to sound, smell, and sight. What is my PTSD trigger? The first one we noticed was when I was like 5 or 6 years old. Fireworks. We were celebrating the Holidays over winter break with my mother's family: My cousins, aunt, and uncle. My uncle was lighting off fireworks in their tiny backyard and I started freaking out. I don't remember much. I remember my cousin feeding off my fear and freaking out too. She was a year younger than me. I remember a movie or something being put on, and I remember being given blue headphones that my uncle used for the range. Those two memories could be from different days because this was not the only time this happened, it happened 2 or 3 more times.
Let’s fast forward since you have the basic beginning knowledge. I'm 12 or 13 years old. I have been in therapy for literally everything in my life up until that point since I was like 5. Once a week, for years. No firework shows because we aren't sure I can handle it. Christmas, the first Christmas my aunt gets back together with her first love. There's a parade, and we all go as a family. The family takes off after the parade was over. Then all hell broke loose. A firework show, so loud that everyone was not having a good time. My baby cousin stayed with me, and I freeze, I immediately feel the tears well up. There's nothing I can do. So here I am, in a crowd filled with strangers, having an absolute meltdown with my family nowhere to be seen. My baby cousin ended up holding me until they found us... I am still fucking embarrassed to this day. Yep... a grown adult who can't handle loud noises... neat.
Most recently, I went to a concert with my partner's family. It was outdoors and there were a lot of people there. I mean a lot. The pyrotechnics started to happen. The first one was a giant red pop. It was at that exact moment I felt something change, something uncontrollable flip. I saw some photographers standing on top of a building for the band. I brought my focus away from the stage (a trick that years of autism and PTSD have taught me.) and tried to focus on the photographers. Hoping desperately that the worse wouldn't happen because I had been to a show before that had pyrotechnics. And managed to be okay. (I was not, more on that later.)
Another pop, another flash, another bang. The feeling of fear is starting to get harder to manage at this point. I keep bringing my attention back to the photographers. I start a mental dialogue with myself. “Okay, you're okay. Right now you're at a concert, you're okay. You're photographing the band. Wearing all black. You're okay.” Being a photographer is my passion, it's an extension of who I am, so surely placing myself in the shoes of a more positive place will work, right? Wrong. More pops happen, the crowd is going wild and I lose all ability to concentrate. The tears immediately sting my eyes, I was standing next to my partner and his family. I stepped away, looking for any possible escape. I get myself next to a wall and start repeating as I could feel the loss of control slipping over me. “You're at a concert, you're at a concert. You'll be okay. You're at a concert in Phoenix.” I was desperate to gain any kind of control because that feeling is so defeating. When that first pop happened, I should've left, I already knew that I wasn't going to make it out of that okay. I usually listen to my body, but sometimes I guess I like fighting it? (shrug)
The worst part about it, for me anyway, is how much control I actually lose during an episode. If you were to ask me if I was healed from the shit my biological father did to me I would confidently say yes. There were many years of therapy where I started to say I was fine and healing up well enough. It was true, I wasn't as angry, and I wasn't as hurt. I could share my story without emotion, without any issues. My mother and therapist begged to differ, until they didn't and started saying what I already knew, that I was healed.
But then... why do I still have this permanent scar? Why is it that fireworks and loud noises and flash still gets me? Well for one, that's sorta just how it is. I can't think of any reason why I still have that response other than how the situation affects me. We take into account that PTSD along with my other diagnoses are very sensory-related issues. I think of it in terms of a fight or flight response, something triggers in my head that just can't be turned off and it says “be afraid.”
Assuming, based on prior knowledge of how the brain works, that my PTSD, Autism, and ADHD work together. I mean, in the medical world there are reasons that symptoms and issues overlap. There is one brain in the body. There are only so many chemicals that your body and mind can produce. If things didn't overlap in the slightest I'd be concerned and probably confused.
When I was at a concert a few years, KISS was playing at the Cardinals Stadium in Glendale. I didn't do any research then (I really need to do this more...) and yeah... The pyrotechnics were cool. Even with loud flashy bangs being my trigger, I do like watching things blow up. I do like the science that falls into building pyrotechnics and even fireworks. My brain just can't enjoy it with the sound on. (Shrug). Even though I didn't have an episode and have to leave, the trigger still showed up. Looking back now, screaming because several of my favorite KISS songs were played was NOT only because I liked them, it was a good release, a distraction from the otherwise overwhelming feelings that I was experiencing. My body reacted as if it had been to war once the concert was over.
Whenever the Fourth of July or New Years is getting close, my body knows. After the KISS concert, my body reacted as if it had been to war. It reacts the same when it sees a singular firework shoot up into the sky, it reacts the same when the firework-related holidays are near. What does that look or feel like? Well... if you've ever been hunting you could assume that the animals know when they're being hunted. They start to scatter. Think of your fight, flight, or freeze responses as a balloon. The activities, such as the nearing holidays, are the water or air that fills up your balloon. The more fireworks or pops and bangs the more air flows into your balloon and it starts to get bigger. The bigger my freeze or flight response gets can determine other things. Such as my focus. I literally feel like an animal smelling the air before the first gunshot rings through it. Smelling the danger. Smelling the fact there is never an escape.
We aren't friends, we aren't enemies either. My relationship with PTSD is just that, a relationship. It exits even if I don't want it to. I can't break up with it, I can't leave it at the store, I can't return it. It is stuck with me just as much as I am stuck with it, and I won't lie down and let it win. There's nothing for it to win anyway. There are hundreds of souls that have taken their lives because of the demons that they face. PTSD won't be what takes me out. I'm going to do my best to help others with my experiences.
As always, this will not be my only article on PTSD. As I grow, learn and experience the life I will have more to say, I will have better ways to describe what I am dealing with. I want my learned lessons to serve as tools that others can use. So much of my life has been “monkey see, monkey do”. If what I've learned and what I have gone through can help someone out, I can die happy. Life is precious even if it’s challenging. I hope you have a wonderful week, feel free to discuss below anything really! It's been a minute since I've had reader engagement.
If you know someone with PTSD, kindly share this post.
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